Veronica s Story
“I felt many things being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I felt relieved to know I wasn’t just crazy. But I also felt scared, because I wasn’t sure what would happen, or what it meant to have these things, or what people would think of me.
In August of 2015, I was attending a different university than I am now. I had gone to this school to specifically be an education major. I took the PRAXIS, which is the exam you need to take to get into the College of Education.
I took the exam 8 times and missed passing by 2 points. So, going back that semester and seeing all my friends get in, while I had to change my major, was heartbreaking. Not to mention all of my friends thought of me as some sort of outsider; they thought of me differently and treated me differently, too. I felt like such a failure, I felt like I didn’t belong. That is when my thoughts started swirling around in my head. I started to think about suicide.
I had a friend when I was a junior in high school attempt suicide, and I helped to save her life by telling an adult and getting them to stop it from happening. I never thought that this would be something that I could go through. When she attempted, I thought that my life was too amazing to ever feel like that…boy, was I wrong.
That fall of 2015, dealing with these thoughts brought me even more anxiety because I kept telling myself I didn’t need to feel this way. I felt trapped so I told my boyfriend and best friend the thoughts I had. I felt like a weight had been lifted, because finally someone knew.
I never had a plan per say, but when I thought about it I thought about standing on the side of a road and just jumping. I stayed pretty far away from heavy traffic because it made me scared.
One day I went on a date with my boyfriend and we got stuck on the side of the interstate. Standing outside of the car and having those urges was the scariest thing. Seeing these cars zooming by was terrifying to me.
Finally, I withdrew from that university after a huge blowout with my roommates because they didn’t understand what was going on with me- they never thought to ask. All they claimed was that I was acting different and didn’t care about them. It was so much more than what they thought.
Going home was the best thing I could have done. At first, I was scared to go home because I was embarrassed of leaving college. I wouldn’t leave my house the first month of being home. But, getting to be around my nieces, and feeling their true and honest love, made everything slow down in my head.
I’m on medication now, I haven’t had those thoughts since last year, and I honestly feel like a different person. I still have anxiety, and get panic attacks once a week. But I feel good knowing I made it out of one of the worst times in my life…
I think that people assume just because your life appears happy, there must be nothing wrong. I feel like just because you live a life that looks shiny and amazing on the outside, it does not mean that is your full story. Everyone is like a book; we can’t judge them by their cover.
You will be okay. Life will be throwing a bunch of shit your way, and you just have to look it dead in the face and say that you can overcome it, YOU are better than it.”