Hannah s Story
“The closest I have ever come to ending my life was during my freshman year of college. I wasn’t ready to be on my own and I realized that pretty early on. As stress from school increased and my self-esteem lowered, I started cutting after my roommates went to sleep at night. I became numb to everything.
One night around 11pm, I decided to sneak out and go for a walk. As I walked through my deserted campus, I fell apart. I felt so alone and unwanted. My thoughts were racing. I wanted to die. I curled up on a bench in the corner and sobbed. I started planning how I would end my life.
But, there was something deep inside me that said to reach out to my boyfriend one last time. I called him for what I thought would be the last conversation, and said simply ‘I don’t want to be here anymore. I have a plan.’ I proceeded to give him the details of my plan.
As he processed what I had just said, this weak, afraid, little girl inside me let out a cry for help through the darkness that filled me. I shook as she took control and let out to him a feeble ‘Save me from myself, please. Help me. I need you.’
I’m glad she took over in that moment because, after I hung up, I walked some more until I had made my mind up to execute my plan. As I began doing so, I saw my boyfriend walking toward me. That same scared, little girl from before cried out as he approached me. My body fell apart in his arms and I sobbed for what seemed like forever. I told him to just let me die. He just held me and told me it was going to be okay.
If I hadn’t reached out to him that night, I would have gone through with it. That night, the powerful desire to die and the desire to no longer be trapped in my dark mind was the worst it had ever been and I still fear the return of the demons that I encountered...
Today, I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, as well as medication treatment. I confide in my boyfriend and my mom, who are my best friends. I try to use coping skills, but I will say it's sometimes hard to remember them when my head is swimming. I am proud to say that by reaching out and getting the help from my support system, I am now almost 3 years clean from self-harm!
No matter what you are dealing with, how bad you think it is, or what you think others may say, reach out. Family, friends, teachers, anybody. The only way you can begin recovery is to take that first step toward getting help and letting someone know you are suffering.
It makes a world of difference when you aren’t fighting alone. And chances are, you will find someone who might know what you are experiencing. Whoever you are- you are loved, wanted, and here for a purpose. Don’t let your illness keep you from finding that purpose.”