Izze s Story
"It took me awhile, a lot longer than it should have, to realize how much my anxiety ruled my life. It was not until my sophomore year of college when I began questioning why I would react the way I would or over analyze even the most simple activities of my day. Fall semester of my sophomore year,
I pushed my panicked feelings as far down as they would go, and put a big smile on my face. I distracted myself with unhealthy activities and unhealthy people, which came smashing back in my face Spring semester. I am a people-pleaser, and always have been. Every day I constantly feel like I am disappointing someone or not good enough, which even I know that isn’t the case, but the constant fear drove out any positive thinking.
I met a boy on the first Saturday of college my freshman year, who I ended up dating for about a year and a half through my sophomore and junior year. I thought this was it, I had found someone I could make really happy, and I didn’t question if I was not good enough with him. Early on, my habits from my sophomore fall semester came back up and strained my relationship.
We fought and argued a lot about both our pasts, but I would be the slut, bitch, the crazy one or whatever else he could throw my way. He let me believe I was in debt to him for whatever I did before we began dating. I had never been so open with someone, and ever since I feel like I have to hold myself back from everyone, even close friends and family.
I boxed myself in my house my junior year and hid myself from anything requiring being social, even with my best friends. After several arguments and feeling beat down to my core, I confessed to my boyfriend how low I felt, how I did not want to get up from my bed and face anyone. I had all of these bad thoughts conjuring in my head, telling me I was worth nothing. He was the one who convinced me to finally talk to someone which is when I was diagnosed with anxiety fueled depression. I never considered myself to be someone with any kind of mental illness, and it took me awhile to come to terms with it.
As I began my senior year of college, my world fell apart. I blew up on my boyfriend after building up resentment for running my entire life around him. I wanted time to define me again, make my own schedule. Within two weeks of taking a “break”, the unimaginable happened. The aftermath left him in a situation that is unbelievably hard for someone to understand coming from the outside, and too hard to explain. All of a sudden I felt people staring at me when I walked into my classes or went out to the bars.
I couldn’t handle the attention and the way people would treat me after everyone had learned what was going on, and I couldn’t get away from it. I destroyed myself the first few months of the fall semester, blaming myself for what had happened to him because I thought I could have prevented it. I stopped taking my medication, a decision that only furthered those reckless months. I stopped talking to my friends about it, because I thought they were getting annoyed with me throwing a pity party for myself. Looking back, I stopped thinking straight altogether.
Now entering my final semester at the college, I feel balanced again. It took losing people that I thought were my best friends and realizing how unhealthy I had made myself in the matter of a couple months. I finally took the time I desperately needed for myself, and relied on my family. It still hurts every day, it still makes me feel anxious, but I am not using what had happened in the past to define myself anymore. I realized how much I actually needed my medication and that I couldn’t keep telling myself “mind over matter”, because the chemical imbalance in my brain doesn’t follow that rule.
For someone who wants to please others so badly. It has taken a lot for me to step back and realize I need to make myself happy first. In the end, you are the one that has to take care of yourself which is extremely terrifying, but so satisfying and rewarding in the long-run."