Carson s Story
“Already feeling weighed down by my depression, anxiety, and multiple other contributing factors, I had reached my breaking point. I remember sitting on my boyfriend’s bathroom floor.
This was the morning after we had a huge fallout. With my eyes almost swollen shut, my mind and body went completely numb. I had never felt so betrayed nor been so hurt by someone I loved and trusted.
Sitting there, I tried to rationalize the situation. I picked apart every detail, trying to grasp an understanding about what had happened. No matter how many times I replayed the situation in my head, nothing could suppress the pain I felt. As hurt and upset as I was, it was like my body became immune to the pain. I felt nothing.
As time passed, I tried to feel something. Anything. That would wake me up from this emotionally isolated state I had trapped myself inside of. I wasn’t attempting to kill myself, at least not this time. As I sat on the bathroom tile, I noticed the razor in the shower.
Staring blankly at the wall, I’d press down on the blades over and over. Even doing this couldn’t block out the desensitizing feeling. I felt physically ill from the lack of sleep and a great deal of crying, yet I also felt nothing towards the situation at hand. Resorting to my fingernails, I managed to puncture my skin enough to where the numbness was no longer a factor.
Left with immense distress and a bloody wrist, I continued to sit on that bathroom floor, contemplating where I went wrong and what to do next. Now I am left with multiple scars on my left wrist; A constant reminder of how my mental illnesses affected me that day, and how they continue to affect me everyday…
There is most definitely a stigma that surrounds mental illnesses. People who suffer from them are looked at differently than those without. There’s really no explanation for it. It’s honestly bullshit and I don’t get it. I’ll even see people with service dogs being looked at funny, which is so wrong. There is a negative attitude towards people who have mental illnesses and I can’t wrap my head around why.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety my senior year of high school. My parents’ divorce and the impact it had on my life I think contributed to the origin of my disorders. But, when I was diagnosed, I felt relieved.
For those currently suffering, get help. Having a disorder is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Take care of yourself always, both physically and mentally.”