Christian s Story
“In a New York minute, everything can change. May 15th 2015 8:25AM – A time I will never forget and the haunting memory I live with every single day of my life. Being woken up to my door flying open and a woman’s voice screaming, ‘Christian call 911, call 911, call 911!’
Waking up frantically, not having any idea what was going on and as I followed this woman’s voice into the bedroom across the hall from mine, the 911 operator answered. I walked in and looked at my mother’s body lying on the floor- still, cold, and lifeless. My heart sunk and I didn’t know what to do.
My strong mother who had fought esophageal cancer for 8 months and never showed a sign of weakness was lying on her bedroom floor lifeless. The EMS arrived to my house quickly and did everything they could to bring her back to me. I waited in her bathroom barely able to breathe normally, and, eventually the EMT walked into the room. He couldn’t even get the words out of his mouth and my mom’s photography assistant was the one who grabbed my hand and said ‘your mom is gone.’
My world spun and I was overcome with anger and sadness. Screaming ‘F*ck this!’ and ‘You guys didn’t do enough!’ I tried to go back in and bring her back because, at that second, my only thought was: why would God do this to me? Why would he take my best friend of 20 years- the woman who was my role model, the person I told everything to, the bond between two people I thought never could be broken?
That day in itself was one of the longest days of my life. I was surrounded by so many people, but I’ve never felt more alone. The pure denial overwhelmed me. I would sit on my couch with my dog and stare out the window, waiting for her to come home. I’d stare at my phone and just wait for it to light up with her name.
The depression came upon me quickly and it hit in many forms. I felt alone when I was in a room full of people. I would have mood swings in the blink of an eye and it got to the point of suicidal thoughts. I would go up to her room with a photo album every night and talk to her for hours. As those hours went on, I still kept asking myself, Why would God do this to me? What’s the point of even being here anymore?
I was in an incredibly abusive relationship at the time as well, so I felt in my heart that there was no point in me even living anymore and just going up to heaven to be with her. I answered these questions with a full body of whiskey and Xanax bars.
I texted my dad letting him know things weren’t going well. I was expecting him to find me dead later that night or the next morning. My first attempt failed and I continued to try and take my life. However, there was something watching over me, protecting me, preventing me from killing myself. I turned to binging alcohol in hopes that it would do the trick by itself.
Failed attempt after failed attempt and almost a year later, I finally was able to cope and accept the reality to move forward in my life as the strong guy I know I am. I lost my mom in the physical world, but I’ve got a beautiful angel in my heart, watching over me every single day. That’s why I wake up every morning with a smile on my face: because it’s another day to make her proud and live my life.
This major event made me question my faith and made me want to turn my back. As hard as it was to accept, I believe that God’s plan is bigger and better than all my expectations. He needed my mom up in heaven with him and it has shown me how strong I can be and that I can never lose faith.
So, to anyone reading, please remember this: you never forget your loved ones, you will always live with the pain, but believe in His plan and always remember that you are loved. You can overcome the pain and remember that life is beautiful. You are beautiful, never forget that.
Go out of your way to meet new people and hear their story. Wave to a stranger or say hello, because you never know how big of a difference it can make in one person’s life. That small gesture could be the difference between them taking their life or pushing through the pain.
Love one another. Because I definitely wouldn’t have made it if it was not for the amazing love and support from family, friends, and even strangers I’ve never talked to but who reached out to me after I posted on Facebook about my mom. That small action to you was a huge impact on me. You guys are my strength and I love each and every one of you.”