"I can remember the first time I felt it, like a wave. I was 13. I had no idea what I was feeling.

 

This time it’s hitting days before my 25th birthday.

 

Every single time I’ve hit a wave of depression, it feels like the worst time. You forget your support system, what you’ve worked for, how far you’ve come. I settled into the routine of self-isolation during quarantine, a place that’s become all to common for me.

 

Darkness hit in its strongest force. It's scary sometimes to think of all the progress you’ve made, and when that wave hits, it seems as if the effort was for nothing.

 

I looked for signs and asked God all the time for a reason to keep going. I screamed at the ocean begging for answers as to when I would just feel normal again. I stared into the sunset begging that I wouldn’t see sunrise the next day.

 

It took a friend reminding me I used to have these waves every month, and now they hit less often, to realize that even small progress is progress. I dove back into therapy with everything I have.

 

My support system constantly reminds me of my worth, how I’m important to them. You are not always going to feel this way, and the pain passes. I used to hate when someone would tell me ‘it will be okay’ because while I knew that, it never made that current pain feel any lesser.

 

I’ve had to switch the narrative daily to take care of myself, and make sure in this time I’m taking out moments to check-in on myself.

 

If you’re going through it too, you are not alone. You never were, you never will be. If no one has told you today, I care, and I need you here. If you’re looking for a sign to keep going, this is it."