Yoga s Story

Jakarta, Indonesia

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“Death was the only dream I dreamt for 6 years. I never had a 'friend' until I was 15 years old. The thought of death consumed me until I was 21 years old, which made me both introverted and ignored by others. 

 

I took my first foot into high school and I thought that meant things were hopefully going to finally get better. I had been in the same school from pre-school until junior high school, so I thought maybe, just maybe, I could have a friend in my new high school. 

 

Day by day, things were not getting better for me, and the worst was when I was in my sophomore year of high school. I was bullied and humiliated by almost every student in my high school. Not just words; sometimes they did much worst like crush my bike, put their gum in my hair, and more that is too difficult to tell. 

 

So, I did my research to learn how to ‘distract’ myself. And, I found my two new best friends- cigarettes and alcohol. I got drunk and smoke every night just to release the pain that I had been through in school. 

 

I was able to release the pain that I felt in school when I was drunk because I could finally feel comfortable talking to my family. I talked to my twin siblings when I was drunk. Back in junior high, I never talked to anyone in my family, not even to my parents because they had a busy work schedule and had to take care of my little brother...

 

When I was in my last year of high school, I couldn’t take it any longer because my classmates found my diary, which was about myself, my life, and about a girl I liked. They put it up on the classroom wall. Everyone was laughing and the girl I liked began talking to me like I was a trash-bag. 

 

When the school day was over, I walked over to the park and I saw everybody there laughing and having a good time. But, why was I not able to feel the same as them or be liked by them? I felt like I was an invisible, hollow man that nobody could see. 

So, when the night came, I was crying driving home and I was drunk. I went to my room and began overthinking everything. I saw my face in the mirror and just wanted to die. 

 

So, I tried to self-harm. I thought I was going to die, but when the morning came and I woke up, there was a scar. But, I was alive. I still thought, though, ‘hey I am alive! So, why does it feel like no one can see me?’...

 

It’s been a year since I made my Instagram account and sometimes I post quotes from people. And, one time, I was very happy because there was someone who saw a post of mine and messaged me on Instagram. She asked, ‘what happened?’ 

 

I told her everything that has been in my head. And, I saw that she cared. I questioned, why does she care? We’re on the different sides of the world- I’m in Jakarta, Indonesia and she lives in Ohio, United States. But, she cared. And from her, I learned of the movement for people like me called, The Invisible Illnesses. 

 

I’m now 22 years old and I realize that someone like me may need help. From my perspective, what I needed was a friend- someone who I could share and learn about this world with and just laugh together.

It’s hard sometimes and I still feel messed up sometimes, but I’m hopeful that things will be better during my time in college. Because I now know that I could have a friend if I begin opening myself up to the world.”

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